Sunday, December 9, 2007

straight whiskey + stupid brit + Illuminati = almost trouble

feSo I met this Russian girl named Victoria on the beach. I noticed her because we have the same beach MO: ignore everyone, read voraciously, go in the water once an hour, make no eye contact with beach vendors. We agreed to meet for a drink after I finished seeing my Portuguese friends on their last night in India.

I orginally met Vasco and Nuno in Amritsar and went to the pakistan/india border ceremony with them. In Goa, they met up with friend Carlos who has been traveling through South America, Southeast Asia and India for several months. That day, we played some terrible (on my part) beach volleyball with them and I wrestled with Vasco who turned out to be less a wrestler than a human-gorilla hybrid. Luckily, I still prevailed and Vasco will go on to his next great adventure: settling down to his job, slowly moving up the ladder, marrying a nice girl, having a few kids, sex once or twice a month, retirement in a nice home and so on (helpful links for Vasco: corporate politics 101, meet mrs. right, how to buy a house, dr. spocks pregnancy guide, sex tips for older men, retirement homes in portugal, death with dignity FAQs)

We decided they should eat dinner where I would be meeting the russian girl for drinks. We came up with a few plans while we waited. The most popular called for them to act drunk and hit on the girl so I could take them outside to teach them a lesson out of sight (foreshadowing?). However, she walked in with her friend from Belarus and I could see that they gave up the fight plan quickly. He did not look that tough but he was russian. I heard that they take fisticuff classes for the first four years of school and move onto knife fights and firearms from there. Instead, as the three of us sat down, I received the bill for their gigantic last meal in india. They said my face froze like a mask for a few seconds. I called their bluff and paid for their meal without them realizing it. When I sat with them a little bit later, they felt bad for making me pay. They tried to give me money for the meal but I refused because I knew it would just make them feel like assholes. Ha. Instead, as they left with a promise to meet for lunch tomorrow, six free beers showed up at my table (the next day I also might have charged my breakfast to their room and stole their scooter).

By now, my party had swollen to two more russian girls and a beefy british guy missing two front teeth who kept calling me max (not my name, i try to not use my name on here because i do not think future employers need to hear about drunken indian adventures). I think I impressed the russians with my knowledge of russian pol tics, literature and an fierce hatred of putin and luschenko (the dictator of belarus and leader of the last autocratic state in europe). In short order, the british guy started pressing me about 9/11. I told him I thought 9/11 truthers didn't ever read anything besides the propaganda and never looked at the other side of the story. Side note: 9/11 truthers, of whom I have a number of friends in NYC who I believe have holes in their head WARNING: PARENTHESES AHEAD (eric williams (update: eric williams' official position is "I have literally no idea what is going on with this planet, especially all the people on it, and I don't much care anymore") , sir jon rotberg (update: he claims i'm a jerk-off (no contest) and whatever happened is a lot more complicated then what we are told by the new york times (as most things of this level are) and i don't know what to believe and frankly don't care anymore), this means you but don't take it personally, i like people with holes in their head) believe that a bush conspiracy flew the planes into the twin towers in order to build up the massive public opinion that they squandered so well in the last seven years. I've heard this many times before and have seen the documentaries and websites but am not at all convinced for two reasons:
1. the debunkers present much stronger cases
2. the only way three people can keep a secret is if two of them are dead - ben franklin

However, 9/11 truth I can understand but then he starts spouting off about the Illuminati ruling the world and america is the least free country in the world. I can't imagine saying something so stupid while sitting next to someone from the arguably most repressive regime in the western world. I decided to not argue and just kept staring straight ahead. I looked in the mirror and realized that I looked exactly like my father when he doesn't believe something. I wondered if people could read that face, like I read his, to know that I am completely unconvinced. This guy came out with so many gems:

idiot: what do you do max?
.x: stem cell research scientist
i: yeah. what are those again?
x: the cells that can become any other cell in the body. it's going to be very powerful for human health in the next twenty years.
i: max, if i can give you piece of advice: stay away from this stemology business
x: i'll keep that in mind

i: we have to get ready. a new world order is approaching. we're being turned into slaves about to be taken off planet.
x: like brave new world?
i: not at all. everybody in the world is controlled by the illuminati and they will use drugs to sedate us into a sheep like obedience to their system. it's already happening.
x: yeah, you're right. that's nothing like brave new world.

x to someone: have you seen american gangster?
i: i have. do you know what's its really about?
x: i bet i'm about to find out.
i: it's about how america started the war as a cover for smuggling heroin out of british controlled afghanistan in the coffins. it's just like how prince william (i think he meant charles but who knows) had diana killed. the british family, they're all in cahoots with everybody.
x: pretty clever.

Understandably, I got pretty bored. The russians stuck to russian for the last hour and I could barely hear the drunken british idiot even if I wanted to get more annoyed by his lack of intelligence. I wanted to get going because the restaurant had been dark for over an hour and our waiter obviously wanted to go to sleep in the back. It turns out he had no sleep for the last 19 hours. I kept trying to move us out the door and the idiot kept ordering more beers and treating this nice young kid like a retarded servant. Even so, the waiter still offers to let the idiot and lady friend sleep on the restaurant couches if they don't want to go all the way home.

Finally, the waiter just brings the bill and says he must sleep. It came out to 750 Rs (19 USD), not bad for a few hours of drinking although I felt sobered by boredom. Everybody threw in money and it came out to 1200 Rs in the form of 2 500 Rs notes and 2 100 Rs notes. I told someone to take back their 200 Rs because it still came out to a 30% tip. For the idiot's sake, he did say "ah, the kid worked hard and the money doesn't matter to us" (remember this statement) so I left it.

The waiter comes back a minute later and says he needs 50 more rupees. Now, the book only had 1 500 Rs note and 2 100 Rs notes. The idiot starts blustering that the kid stole the 500 Rs note and nobody was going to take him for a fool. I thought he already did a pretty fine job for himself in the fool department but kept the thought to myself. I said that there must be some mistake because I am positive what bills were present and we just need to find the other note. It must have fallen out. The idiot gets mean and rude, claims he will not pay the extra money and wants to see the manager. I look him in the eye and say "Listen idiot. You don't know what's going on or how much was there. I handled the money. Sit down. Shut up." He calls me a "bloody fucking wanker" and starts coming around the table at me. I just sit and keep staring. The russian stops him and I say "I don't want to fight over this. Don't get your panties in a twist over nothing and I'm sick of hearing all of this Illuminati bullshit." The russian gets him away from the table for awhile and then he returns his seat and starts glowering. The russians keep talking loudly so we can't talk to each other but I know the time for fighting has passed. I kept nice and calm (the most infuriating thing you can do) while he kept getting so worked up during our exchanges.

i: stupid fucking american scientist. i'm a fucking gypsy. i'll tear your skinny ass apart.
x: probably. is violence the only thing you have?
i: yes.
x: no brains, no nothing? that's sad.
i: thank you.

i: you don't know who you're messing with. you're lucky we're in india or you'd be smashed.
x: why does the country matter?
i: i'll come for you later. i'll get your goddamn knees.
x: it's funny. you're like a little girl. i call you an idiot and you freak out completely.
i: because you're a stupid american wanker.
x: i know, you said that already. why does it matter what i say if I'm so stupid?
i: bloody american scientist. fucking wanker.
x: you already said that too.

For some reason, the four of us turned out to be last people at the table. He finally left with his girl and said " bloody fucking american. i'll go house of daggers on your ass." House of daggers? That made me giggle. It didn't help.

7 comments:

Eric said...

Yo Lex, though I have argued in favor of 9/11 truth, I do not personally subscribe to the belief. I sit quite squarely in the center of "I have literally no idea what is going on with this planet, especially all the people on it, and I don't much care anymore." Good to hear you're having fun though, next time mention me more positively.

Jon I. said...

Nothing draws attention to pop singer's belly like leggy beach babes rubbing it for good luck :-)

Jon I said...

Sorry, last comment is under the wrong blog...should be one up.

Be careful Max! Maybe you should carry a shiv. Let those Brits know you mean business ;-)

David G. said...

Let 'im have it.

Jonathan said...

hey jerk-off,

we haven't talked about this 9/11 stuff in a long time, so lets not jump to conclusions about what people think now.

whatever happened is a lot more complicated then what we are told by the new york times (as most things of this level are) and i don't know what to believe and frankly don't care anymore.

Clark said...

Great story. Nice to hear you're still getting in trouble across the pond and through the woods.

Alaina said...

You've got big balls, Max, in more ways than one!