Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Lex's Guide on How To Poop with Just a Smile (and a Bucket of Water)

From a suggestion by my illustrious pater (Edward Carl Alexander Pelger III):

By the way, old man, you can't buy this kind of great publicity. Look, you're right by the squatty potty. I'd hire you to do whatever you actually do in that office under the guise of construction

note: this is just how I worked it out for myself. I've asked friends but everybody gives me the same great advice "I dunno. You just do it."

1. Get a small bucket of water and put it behind you.
2. If a dirty bathroom, hitch up your pants so they don't trail on the floor. Drop your pants below your knees.
3. Squat over the toilet and if it's your first time, take one waddle forward. Hitting the back of the toilet is a classic newbie mistake. Your asshole is farther back than you would think. Don't worry. Your positioning will come with time.
4. Pee carefully because its easy to hit your legs.
5. Poop. Isn't it nicer to be able to see it? And it's healthier. You can check for high iron levels.
6. Here is where I really started winging it. Personally, I have been using the middle and ring finger of my left hand to clean and dig and then washing them with a stream of water from the bucket with my right hand. I repeat this many times until I feel clean. I am going to try an alternative method I envisioned last night (a flash of enlightenment?). I will pour a constant stream down my lower back and and use my left hand to clean. It might be a better method for more heavy duty jobs.
7. When everything is clean (as it's going to get), pull up your pants and ignore the slightly damp feeling. It's just clean water.
8. If you want to be fancy, carefully avoid using your left hand until you can get home and wash it thoroughly. When out and about, most places provide soap for washing in the bathroom.
9. When surrounded by lots of kids, avoid thinking about them following these same procedures and probably not getting to the soap before getting distracted by a kite/dog fight/butterfly.


Abby said...

Oh my goodness, how am I going to survive there for 2 weeks???

.x said...

short answer: you won't

Anonymous said...

Your Dad thought we needed to know this procedure....sadly, like an accident on the highway, I could not look away from your description.Aunt Patty

Alaina said...

This is exactly how I poop in the woods! Except I use a fresh bottle of crick water.

However, if I am lucky, on the rare occasion I find a lovely hollowed stump. :)